How awesome was that. It started the day I heard I graduated my VWO high school, something I had been slightly nervous about. But from that moment on, it started. First with “graduation parties”, it seemed like the whole city was throwing parties for one month (from my perception). After that leaving the family house, “in-between year abroad”.
That’s where I fell in love, multiple times, but one time really hard. After that university, well that was sort of a side issue, but it went well anyway. And things kept on continuing. Before I knew it, I was living together with the love of my life (yes, the one from my year abroad). My first, second and third job. Along the way, we bought a house, married and had our first kid. Everything only seemed to get nicer, better and “gezelliger”. Really. Of course there also wre some bumbs along the road, stress, work, relation, really sick kid, raising the kids and time (where does that go all of a sudden?). But in general, we kept on going strong. Both of us were fairly motivated, motivated to be and stay relaxed. So a lot of communication, aligning, checking how we’re in the game and what are next goals would be. And then we had another kid…
I vividly remember the first child-free opportunity (thanks to our parents) that we grabbed with both hands to spend quality time together. Taking time for one another. But also to do some ground work. We now were a real family, like our oldest had called out upon meeting her sister. A family? What is that exactly? What kind of family did we want to be and if we figured that out, what was needed in order to actually become that family? We decided to get started together… usign a method we knew from work. On a quest for our family mission and vision so to speak. Armed with flip-overs, post-its, markers and some good red wine, we started with writing down our values. In order to share and explain them to eachother afterwards. We selected the commonalities in terms of themes and core values. Yes, very corporate, but I can tell you it was super personal. We even learned more about eachother (even after 15 years) and that’s how s shared vision came into existence. A vision about how we wanted to interact with eachother and the world around us. We also thought about how we could do that, checking and readjusting when needed.
That session was 7 years ago and in the meantime we have repeated it several times, each time tweaking it a little, but the core had always stayed the same. We have a good life and are very happy. And we consider ourselves as lucky bastards every day.
But before you know it 40 years pass and however way you look at it… you’re more and more confonted with the fact that this party of life will one day end. You start having to deal with sickness and death around you. First among friends of your parents. Sometimes also really close. Relationships that end, families falling apart. Serious things, everything passes by and it happens to everyone. It’s probably the age and maybe your mindset and perspective that changes with it. But eventually everything ends. Your parents, your friends, yourself. So, that sinks in well I guess.
Still, this is also a precious moment. The moment that mid-life crisis kicks in and you start wondering. Is this it? Am I doing the right things? Am I who I think I am? When you have a family, then try to get the answers to those questions through the eyes of your partner, your kids and your own parents. Do they consider me OK? Do they feel good by what I have to offer them? Are my kids happy? And what is my contribution to that? How do they see me? Finally you will also ask yourself the next questions: Will I leave everything behind in a good way? and what do they take from me when I’m no longer here?
I find these questions confronting, but also beautiful. Because they touch upon my deapest personal convictions. How do you see life, what do you want to pass on and will you leave everything well taken care of. When I think about this, I want people around me to take something from me like ‘openness’, ‘friendliness’, having fun’ and ‘be curious’. From my perspective important characteristics that help you, in any given situation. Funnily enough I also start thinking about what those around me pass on to me. My wife gives me ‘honesty’, my eldest daughter ‘curiosity’ and my youngest ‘passion’. My parents give me ‘positivity’ and ‘creativity’. That doesn’t really help me when I die, but it makes the road towards it a lot more fun and interesting.
You can build and foster that emotional ‘legacy’ by having meaningful conversations with eachother, to be connected and let go when needed. I’m lucky that this happens relatively automatically in our family and I realize that this is not easy for everyone. And next to that emotional legacy, there’s also the practical side of it. A legacy that makes you having to deal with a.o. insurance, notary and financial institutions. That is typically not the world my family and I feel very at home in. But still, I would like to trust (in case I die) my family to spend time and attention on their connection than all the practicalities. That’s why I have to arrange stuff. But who is there to help me with this in a relaxed way.
How nice to have a coach or community that can support me, both with the emotional and the practical side. Where good questions are asked and things get arranged. Without having the feeling to be a number in a database. But with the feeling like having a meaningful conversation with a friend.
I haven’t found that place, but I have begun to build such a place.
Do you want to have a look around, join the discussion or take care of your affairs? Contact me!